Buy one, get one free.

Sex and Shopping, how does it go?

Buy one, get one free.

We realised that we hadn't quite got the hang of it when we got the shopping home.

"We seem to have eleven boxes of washing powder," said Sandra as she lined up the goods on the kitchen counter.

I remembered them; "Oh yes oh yes oh yes," she had panted as I tipped them from the shelf into the trolley beneath us, my hips pumping vigorously and as sweat and other juices slicked our thighs and ran into the muffins.

"Now I knew the eggs were wrecked," she continued. "But I'd no idea they had got into the sugar," she sniffed cautiously. "If it is just eggs," she finished doubtfully.

"We should have gone the other way round and got the eggs and yoghurt last," I said.

"No, that wouldn't have worked, we used some of the yoghurt, remember?"

I remembered. It was probably residual yoghurt that was sticking my underpants to my left buttock, that or maple syrup.

"Sausages!" She exclaimed. "How did we manage to spend eighty six pounds and forget the sausages?"

"Sausages, aren't they in the same aisle as the bacon and pre-cooked meats?"

"That's right," she said. "I know we went down there because that's where we got the eggs too."

We had cruised along the aisle gently spinning from display cabinet to display cabinet as I pushed off from each with my one free foot. She rode me magnificently, our combined weight flattening the tomatoes and courgettes. The sight of her heaving breasts outlined against the orange of a 'Buy one get one free' promotion for pig's kidneys would stay with me for a long time. So would some of the scratches from the wire trolley.

There were five paper sacks of cat litter too - an opportunistic purchase when we negotiated the petfood section doggy style, the ride had been a great deal more comfortable with them on board. Two of them were still intact. "Do we know anyone with a cat?" I asked.

"The Wilsons," she replied. "I wonder if they can use these dog biscuits too. Ah!" she brightened for a moment. "We did remember the crisps for Jason," and then, dropping the very flat twelve flavours assortment onto the table. "I do hope he won't mind them being a bit crushed."

I put the kettle on then tenderly brushed some cornflakes from her cheek. They stuck to my fingers. "Did we get any digestives?" I asked.

"Yes," she said absently, looking at my hand. "They are by the milk, they didn't get damaged at all," she felt her own cheek and then looked down at her blouse. It was nearly transparent. "You know, we shouldn't have got dressed again afterwards, all that cooking oil has ruined this outfit." She began to undo buttons and peel off the adhesive garment. "Pass me one of those packs of washing powder, I'll put a load on."

I followed her example then checked the immersion heater. "There's plenty of hot water," I said. "Do you want to shower first or shall I?"

Sex and shopping must be a class thing. When you're like us we decided, it's best to have the sex on Saturday afternoon when Jason is at football and then do the shopping afterwards.

Derek Moody 2002